Identity: 'Where are you from? like, actually from...?'

Note: This is a very superficial overview; not specific and broadly written- these are my own experiences/ opinion, and can differ from person to person.

'Where are you from? like, actually from...?'

Where do I even begin?

2 important items, Passport & Coffee

The question "Where are you from?" ranks high on the list of common inquiries people receive, often following the introductory exchange of names. Why is it so frequently asked? Is it human curiosity, or perhaps an attempt to fill an awkward silence with small talk? Regardless, I find myself pausing briefly before responding to this question—my close friends often even share in this moment with me, understanding the complexity that lies behind it.

When we ponder our origins, our minds typically drift to our birthplace (or passport) and the cultural values and upbringing associated with that geographic location, including religious affiliations and even legal frameworks. However, I was born and raised in a country and culture (Middle East) with which I don't directly identify. Due to the country's laws and restrictions, citizenship was not granted upon birth or residency. Instead, I retained the passport and citizenship of my parents (South Asian).

South Asian country

Now, Middle Eastern & South Asian cultures share some commonalities, particularly concerning family values, general morals and (some) extreme religious ideologies. However, there are distinct differences appreciated and celebrated within each culture (which I will not be getting into in this post).

Middle Eastern country

Raised in one culture but not identifying with its religious or cultural aspects, one might assume that I would adopt the values and customs of my parents' cultural heritage. However, this was not the case. Our household adhered to Christian practices, which lacked distinct cultural customs. As a result, I navigated much of my development and adolescence as a "culturally-androgynous being"—a term I've coined to describe my experience. Some may refer to this as being a "third-culture kid" (look this term up, it really helped me in understanding that I am not alone in this).

From primary to secondary school, I mixed with two different demographics, a majority-Western community at school and an ethnic community outside of school (church/ family friends). To be completely honest, from nursery to primary school, I just went along with it all, I didn’t really feel much of a difference between me and my western peers, until, as expected, certain statements were made or I reflected on how the external world looked at me in comparison.

I recall my folks explaining that "Britishers (Brits) are the most respected people in the world" and emphasized the importance of emulating them. Although race or skin colour was not explicitly mentioned, as a young child, I couldn't help but wonder why they (Brits) were held in such high regard and why we were expected to show them such deference.

My parents both had good jobs by then (having worked their way up from scratch), we had a comfortable life, we were well-mannered and gave back to society- so why was it so instilled in us that the Brits were superior? The only difference a young child might find, sorry to say, was skin colour.

Once the above became more of a realisation, this would eventually start to inform a lot of the hidden issues within myself, how I viewed the world and how I would eventually start to relate to it. It was not just about colour, but it became a fight (within myself) to earn the same respect, irrelevant of my background or skin colour- little did I know that this little inner dialogue would continue into my adult life, into my relationships and even my work-ethic (I won’t go into too much detail about this in this post).

For those who have been to/ visited certain Middle Eastern countries, you'll also know that if you're considered 'European' (white), you are automatically seen as more educated, more affluent and articulate- like, you could be the most uneducated, uninformed and ignorant person, but still on the outside seen in such high regard, just because of your skin colour. I am aware that this is not just within the Middle East, but in this post I am just talking about my own observations and experiences of what I felt & thought growing up (I am also aware that things will have significantly changes over the last few years; and people have more awareness on these historic stereotypes not always being realistic).

Also, important to note, this is not a blog about race discrepancies, but it does have a link to my identity, as you will see in the next portion.

Speaking of skin colour, for those of you from a South Asian background, the product, “Fair and Lovely,” (the tube said "Fair & lovely," I couldn't find a photo of it, I imagine the company realised that it was not appropriate to sell it as such/ possibly got a lot of backlash), might be something you have come across or even used. For those who may not be aware, Fair and Lovely was a brand of facial/ body cream that had pictures of a woman/ man’s face in different grading shades, to imply that the cream would lighten your skin (the same image seen above)- we grew up watching our parents use this and later used this ourselves.

I remember my grandmother talking to me about the first time they saw my mum (my parents had an arranged marriage; (again, I won’t go into too much detail about this in this post); my grandmother mentioned that they “saw how fair [skinned] my mum was.” My grandmother even suggested that my brother and I find fair [skinned] girls to marry one day. While their intentions were not malicious, the impact of such statements were profound and held so much weight in them, as we were being told from within our race that being of a lighter shade was much more desired.

Now, my identity is not just about the (beautiful) colour of my skin, but also the warmth of my heart, the history of my ancestors (whoever they may be), what I want to identify with and how I communicate this to others. Identities are so complex, but they also don't have to be. For some, they might be very fixed/ straightforward, but for a lot of us, they are dynamic, informed by change, by progress and how we incorporate our past to our current and link this to our future.

In summary, while this post is about identity, it's important to acknowledge the role life experiences can have on our sense of self. I could delve into this topic extensively, but for the sake of brevity, I'll leave it here as my introductory blog post.

In conclusion, my identity isn't just one thing, it's a mixture of this and a touch of that; it has developed over time, from my ancestors right down to my parents. When we talk about identity, we can sometimes focus on our 'close' identity (the ones that we are aware of/ inherited directly from parents) and forget to consider our 'distant' identity, that of generational/ ancestral history. e.g. my dad's parents are from another part of south Asia, but moved elsewhere and took up the 'identity' of another south Asian country- see, I told you it's complicated.

It is a complex topic area, not just for me, but literally all 7 (almost-8) billion people in the world.

I would be delighted and honoured to discuss this with anyone who would want to explore this further and how it could inform their own sense of self.